Fake News Archive


Russell Westbrook Upset from not Getting Free Groceries


November 17, 2017

Russell Westbrook is reportedly upset from not getting free groceries at a local OKC Target Superstore this past Wednesday afternoon. Janine McInshire says a coupon Westbrook used was already expired.

“His coupon expired at the beginning of this season,” says the manager at the superstore. “We gave him that coupon for free to celebrate his MVP season.”

Westbrook wasn’t impressed, as he believes he should receive free groceries for being one of the longest-tenured members of the Thunder and the second MVP in franchise history.

“It’s not something I’ll lose sleep over, I’ll pay for this one but that’s not to say I won’t take it to [the] court,” the star point guard said.

Westbrook tried to walk out of the superstore with $205 worth of groceries and even the President of the United States called him out via Twitter.

The tweet read: RUSSELL WESTBROOK SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT! He knows the rules! Does this F***Face need to be taught another lesson?”

Westbrook walked out with bags of groceries until security tackled him at the parking lot, security also forced Westbrook’s credit card out of his pocket.  Luckily, Westbrook was wearing pillows under his clothes to preserve injury.

“It’s the new way to protect your body off the court,” Westbrook said. “PG told me about [the epidemic] and Melo walks around in an inflatable walking ball.”

Westbrook is only obligated to complete 300 hours of community service due in June 2018 and pay a $65 fine for the inconvenience. But his focus is now on tonight’s premier matchup against the San Antonio Spurs.  Westbrook is coming off a 13-point win over the Chicago Bulls, where he scored 21 points, dished out seven assists and picked up five rebounds.  In the year of 2017, Westbrook averages 29.5 points, 13.0 assists, and 10.5 rebounds against the Spurs.  He also averages seven turnovers against them.  Let’s see if this minor inconvenience is really that when they tipoff at 7PM CST.

Andre Drummond Dislikes New Stadium Name


November 5, 2017

Andre Drummond is off to a hot start but has one issue with the Pistons organization; the new stadium name.

Drummond is not a fan of “Little Caesars Arena” and part of that has to do with the pizza associated with the new arena, he told the press after the Pistons 108-99 win over the Sacramento Kings.

“I love the new stadium, the lights, the architecture, even the bathrooms are great,” Drummond said.

Rumors circulating around Detroit report that Drummond prefers “Square Pizza Arena”, a staple of Detroit food.

“It’s true,” Drummond confirmed. “We literally play in a square building and it makes so much sense since it’s part of Detroit’s history. It’s too bad corporations are monopolizing our stadium names.”

Stan Van Gundy isn’t thrilled about Drummond’s comments to the media.

“I mean, as long as we keep racking up wins to keep us in front of the Eastern Conference,” Van Gundy said. “No distractions, our goal is to make it back to the playoffs.”

Reggie Jackson, the starting point guard for the Pistons, agree with both Van Gundy and Drummond.

“On one hand, this is a great stadium with a terrible name,” Jackson said. “On the other hand, this is a trivial issue and we’re just looking to win the first Pistons playoff game since 2008.”

We asked a spokesperson from Little Caesars about what they think of this situation and they released this statement.

“We appreciate Andre’s comments regarding the stadium name situation, in fact, we are looking in another direction so we can officially change our name to ‘Square Pizza’. We look forward to the Pistons rest of the season as we too hope they can make it back to the NBA playoffs.”

Drummond still goes back to the site of The Palace of Auburn Hills to relive memories.

“Yeah, I guess I go back there to relive stuff if you wanna call it that,” Drummond says. “It’s also a great place to meet up with hot singles. That helped me with my free throw form too.”

The Pistons are 7-3 through the first ten games of the season and Drummond is shooting 75% from the free throw line. The Pistons next game is on Wednesday, November 8 against the Indiana Pacers. Expect Drummond to have a big season with the Pistons this year, let’s see if Little Caesars actually goes through a name change to keep Drummond in Detroit.

Tony Allen Searches for his Shot

November 3, 2017

The Pelicans take on the Mavericks tonight and Tony Allen may be a little late arriving to the pregame shootaround.  Allen is currently searching for his shot around Texas.

He even ran into the Houston Astros celebration party, asking the players if his shot was there.

“Not here. I didn’t see anything,” says Astros manager A.J. Hinch. “Maybe he left it in Memphis?”

Tony Allen reassured us he didn’t leave it with the Grizzlies.

“I made some big shots in a lot of practices but I can assure you I packed it with me”, Allen responded.

Jose Altuve, star 2nd baseman for the 2017 MLB champs, said he might have seen it on the parade route.

“There were so many people there, but I did, in fact, see his shot during the parade,” Altuve said. “It was either his shot or my steroi-I mean…my lack of medication…Yeah. That sounds right. When I don’t have my medication, I sometimes hallucinate,” Altuve corrected.

In the offseason, Allen found his shot while training with Griss Lee Baer. We caught up with Baer, an actual bear who hunts humans when he isn’t training with NBA athletes.

“Allen is a fantastic companion,” says Baer.  “He knows how to line-up and follow through after every shot. I will never forget the sacrifices he’s made.”

Baer also went on to say how Allen never misses a jump shot in training or off-season.

“I guess it just doesn’t fall for him as much in the National Basketball of Association league or whatever you guys wanna call it. The rims there are different than the ones we use for training,” he said. “We all know he can play defense, he’s the best defender I’ve ever faced and he’s still alive,” Baer said.

Allen confirms this, saying the ring of the rim is bigger and softer than a typical NBA hoop. He made the journey to walk from Houston to Dallas after the Pelicans took a rest stop in Houston to observe a part of the Astros championship parade.

Allen should make it to the Pelicans game against the Mavericks tonight at 7:30PM CST.  The Pelicans are 3-5 while the Mavs started off 1-8.  Even if Allen can’t find his shot tonight, he can always rely on Anthony Davis and DeMarcus Cousins to pick up the slack.  Cousins and Davis have been working with Peter the Pirate on rebounding and dribble moves, which is a story for another day.

If you would like to train with Griss Lee Baer, call him at 555-SHOOTER or reach out to him via email at grissleebaer@baerservices.net.

Dwyane Wade Throws Teammate Under the Bus

October 29, 2017

After the Cavs 123-101 loss to the New Orleans Pelicans, Dwyane Wade and Cedi Osman get into a scuffle on the way back to the bus.

As the Cavaliers were taking a restroom break in one of Khloe Kardashian’s businesses in Louisville, Kentucky, sources say Osman walked back to the Cavaliers bus and Wade tackled him by the door, forced his upper body to go under the bus and attempted to get into the driver’s seat.  Wade was stopped by Tristan Thompson, who was already sitting in the driver’s seat while the bus stayed in Park.

Rumor has it that Wade overheard Osman talk about the latest for the upcoming 2019 Turkish Election. Osman mentioned how Turkey’s government has the potential for an overhaul. However, Osman talked about Melih Gökçek’s resignation to Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s request and as Osman was about to get into how he felt about the Turkish government, Wade tackled him.

“I’m very disappointed in what I did and want to publicly apologize to Cedi Osman,” Wade said. “Cedi is a great person in this locker room and it was a complete misunderstanding from my end. We will get through this. I know I can be better.”

Osman doesn’t think this will be a big distraction going forward.

“I accept his apology. That is all.” Osman said.

LeBron James and Tyronn Lue declined to speak on the matter. The Cavs are off to a 3-3 start to the season as they host the New York Knicks tonight at 7PM EST.  Wade will face no penalty and Osman does not expect to press charges.