fake news, hardwood, satire

Tony Allen Searches for his Shot

The Pelicans take on the Mavericks tonight and Tony Allen may be a little late arriving to the pregame shootaround.  Allen is currently searching for his shot around Texas.

He even ran into the Houston Astros celebration party, asking the players if his shot was there.

“Not here. I didn’t see anything,” says Astros manager A.J. Hinch. “Maybe he left it in Memphis?”

Tony Allen reassured us he didn’t leave it with the Grizzlies.

“I made some big shots in a lot of practices but I can assure you I packed it with me”, Allen responded.

Jose Altuve, star 2nd baseman for the 2017 MLB champs, said he might have seen it on the parade route.

“There were so many people there, but I did, in fact, see his shot during the parade,” Altuve said. “It was either his shot or my steroi-I mean…my lack of medication…Yeah. That sounds right. When I don’t have my medication, I sometimes hallucinate,” Altuve corrected.

In the offseason, Allen found his shot while training with Griss Lee Baer. We caught up with Baer, an actual bear who hunts humans when he isn’t training with NBA athletes.

“Allen is a fantastic companion,” says Baer.  “He knows how to line-up and follow through after every shot. I will never forget the sacrifices he’s made.”

Baer also went on to say how Allen never misses a jump shot in training or off-season.

“I guess it just doesn’t fall for him as much in the National Basketball of Association league or whatever you guys wanna call it. The rims there are different than the ones we use for training,” he said. “We all know he can play defense, he’s the best defender I’ve ever faced and he’s still alive,” Baer said.

Allen confirms this, saying the ring of the rim is bigger and softer than a typical NBA hoop. He made the journey to walk from Houston to Dallas after the Pelicans took a rest stop in Houston to observe a part of the Astros championship parade.

Allen should make it to the Pelicans game against the Mavericks tonight at 7:30PM CST.  The Pelicans are 3-5 while the Mavs started off 1-8.  Even if Allen can’t find his shot tonight, he can always rely on Anthony Davis and DeMarcus Cousins to pick up the slack.  Cousins and Davis have been working with Peter the Pirate on rebounding and dribble moves, which is a story for another day.

If you would like to train with Griss Lee Baer, call him at 555-SHOOTER or reach out to him via email at grissleebaer@baerservices.net.

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