fake news, Featured, hardwood, satire

Climbing the Ladder

Few NBA players will become popular enough to make such a global impact.  Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, even Yao Ming come to mind.

And while Yao didn’t quite have the same on-court success as the other three, his impact on the world shouldn’t be understated.  After all, he is the reason behind climate change.

You didn’t hear? The President of the United States (well, not at the time) even tweeted it out and went through his own investigation to find out who comes up with this idea called “climate change”?

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During one of the 2016 Presidential debates, Trump redacted this tweet, naturally saying it was a joke.  But he may have a point.

A little after the Beijing Olympics in 2008, Yao accepted an invitation from the UN Environment Programme to become the first Environmental Champion.

“In my role as Environmental Champion, I will work with governments, the private sector, and the public to promote good and effective management of our environment so we can preserve the planet for future generations,” he said.  He also went on to explain how he can change weather patterns and can physically cause a hurricane, but he claims he does it for humanity’s benefit, citing overpopulation as a reason why this might be effective.

“Just give me a ladder and watch me work,” Yao said in 2012 as he prepared to make Tropical Storm Sandy.  We asked Yao if there are certain situations where a tropical storm or hurricane can be avoided, Yao shook his head.

“When I get the call from Zeus, that’s my cue to get my ladder and start work,” Yao says.  His work continues to this day, as Yao contributed to the Hurricanes Harvey and Irma and now he gears up for Nate.  While Yao isn’t too thrilled with what his powers are capable of, he has no choice but to contribute to climate change.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like this,” says Yao. “I wish no harm onto anyone, but if I go against my boss’ wishes, he will eat my limbs.”

We are unsure what the latest is in that situation, but we do know that, for now, Yao is in good hands.

When Yao isn’t called up to do extra work, he spends most of his time as the owner of the Shanghai Sharks, the team he began his professional career with. Now, Yao takes a ladder up to a control room, we’re assuming with thousands of cameras, maps, and an operating system, but he must be discrete about it.

“You can ask me to [take charge] in places like Florida or California, but don’t let me do this to my hometown, I can barely handle it in North America,” Yao said in an exclusive interview.

It’s not like the President of the United States is upset either.  After all, he had the balls to call it then. Maybe he doesn’t care so much anymore?

“I always knew it was [Yao],” says Donald Trump Jr. Except he kept referring to him as “Chao” but I doubt he thought it mattered.

“Regardless, if it was [Yao] or Mao or Tao, the 45th President is in good hands,” Trump Jr. said.  “People should donate to the Red Cross when a terrible storm hits and maybe we can borrow some of that money to find a new yach-I mean, we can borrow that money to help donate more or something.”

One thing’s for sure, Yao Ming is in an interesting dilemma.  He’s only given us little information on what he goes through every time storm season hits and that will remain as long as he’s in this project.  Maybe he can give us more detail on how he goes through with his routine when he retires from the sky game.

At least he’s well, making extra cash and his fanbase is still as tall as he is.

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